also stringent: the definition of "weird."

Random short post!

On a recent car ride home, when that Sia + Flo Rida song came on (AGAIN), I got in my head about the weird collaborations in music that are just overtaking the radio nowadays (kids today!). So I challenged myself to come up with the five weirdest musical collaborations that were hits (or "hits") since I've been alive and also that I could think of while I was driving that night (the criteria were stringent). Here is what I thought of, in sort of alphabetical order by one of the artists.

The non-Gabrielle Union girls from Bring it On + the second most popular dude from 'N SYNC = lyrics like "are you feeling my timbs, my baggy jeans, my thug appeal" sung as authentically as if I, Jesse Hall, were singing them.

 

One of these two people released an album titled Chocolate Factory. The other got her start as the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest winner from Switzerland. And it's not the ones you would think! (Just kidding, it is exactly the ones you would think).

From Suit, not Sweat. 

I don't know why I find this one to be so weird, because on paper, it isn't. Especially since it was released right after "She Bangs" for Ricky and "Come on Over" for Xtina, so both were insanely popular. Why not do a duet? Well, because it is weird! Maybe just for me... 

Yeah, this was a thing. Not even a 90s thing. It was like 2004! Weird.



Yup, that's it. I'll try to blog more in 2012 comma no one.

seriously, I had two newly purchased nalgenes. surely, I didn't need both.

So, I'm not sure how most people deal with being lost, but I deal with it similar to the way I deal with other mistakes. For a mistake in painting, I use more paint. For a mistake in writing, I use more words. For a mistake in driving, I use more driving. Why stop and figure out where you are when you can continue to drive around and hope that the next turn is the right turn? Let's be fair:  my latest driving adventure was less about being lost and more about not knowing how to get where I wanted to go. I knew exactly where I was (I was in my car!) and where I wanted to be. "There!" I would shout and point to an elevated freeway, "I want to be on you! How do I get to be on you?"

It isn't that I don't apply logic to my driving with more driving. I am sure you can probably imagine me, driving underneath the freeway, shaking my fist at it, cursing the city of Oakland and then Berkeley and then back into Oakland.  I wasn't just driving aimlessly; I was driving with aim. My aim was up above me. I had my aim in sight the whole time, if it meant potentially missing stop signs or one way signs or other cars. Can I make a U-Turn here? Well, it does not specifically tell me that I cannot, so I certainly don't see a reason that I can't.

After several minutes of the previous plan, I decided to try a new one (No, it was not to stop and ask for directions or even to use the gps on my phone. Don't be ridiculous). I could easily find entrances to 880 North, so I figured, if I drove up north one exit, I could turn around at the next one.

Fool! Now you're just slowly making your way up north. Why on earth would they have a southbound entrance anywhere near a northbound exit? Don't be stupid. Near the northbound exit, there should clearly be lots of complicated residential streets, a liquor store and nothing. 

Plan #3 of following a cop car was also flawed, as apparently he was off to fight crime or get a cup of coffee or something, and not trying to drive back toward San Jose like I was.

Eventually I had driven enough of Oakland to recognize I was actually headed back to where I had started my entire adventure and would be given the opportunity to try again. Success!

Now, how did I get into this mess? I had driven there; driving back should be a simple case of retracing steps. And it was. My error was that I had exited the freeway to find a bathroom. Everywhere I have been, save the great state of California, has plenty of signs telling you where gas stations are and also have gas stations that are open with bathrooms. California has none of that. California has gas stations, often closed, often without bathrooms. California has signs telling you useless things like that litter pickup is sponsored by no one or that the speed limit is 55 MPH (no, California, I beg to differ). So, rather than calmly exiting to a gas station right off of the freeway, I instead found myself driving haphazardly through side streets at the sight of a Lucky sign. Grocery stores! They have bathrooms!

I had briefly considered relegating one my recently purchased Nalgene bottles as the emergency car toilet, but felt that I could not accomplish that task without disaster.

So, I was running into a Lucky, looking forlorn and desperate and was cut off by another man, and a locked door. Twice thwarted! Turns out, you need a key, which man ahead of me went to get. This is one of those situations where I desperately flip through my options:  wet pants, run outside and urinate in parking lot, or wet pants. So I waited. Man ahead of me was quite quick, and the day was saved.

After peeing for what felt like 26 years, I was back in the car. Whew, I had said to myself, the worst is over! No, unfortunately, I had to find how to get back onto the freeway.

so my new thing is just to write in one direction: forward

I'm sure it happens to everyone. Someone will be telling you a story, sincerely believing it is the first time you have heard it, but it isn't. The person probably started the story with the non-question "have I told you before how..." and then proceed to segue immediately into the story. You are left with two choices: forcefully push your way to the front of the conversation in an effort to beat them to the punchline and to affirm that yes, you had been told this before ("...AND THEN YOU SAW NICK LACHEY, RIGHT?") or just nod along until the ride is done ("oh, wow, haha."). Then, sometimes, the teller will realize you had in fact been told this before, and may ask "oh why didn't you stop me?" Why, indeed. 

Worse, though, is my paranoia in the other direction. I attempt to qualify it. "I was telling my friend...," I'll start a story, so as to open the possibility that you are the friend to whom I was telling it, or, at the very least, it is a story that I have told at least once lest the guise of it being an original and spontaneous telling be disproved. I've found, though, that people often just don't listen to me anyway. "Did you hear," someone will say to me, "that this thing happened."

Yes, I did. I told you that!

I am reasonably sure the sound of my voice is refrigerator-buzz-offensive, in that, eventually, you forget it is even on--constant and irritating but still relatively easy to tune out. When it stops, things seem odd, but nothing has changed in your life except that your yogurt may no longer be fresh.

Still, I enjoy using this to my advantage. There will be many times when engaged in conversation that I'll determine that the person is not really listening and I do not care and certainly do not want to talk any more. So, I'll throw together some nonsense phrases that the person will interpret however they wanted to anyway.

Recent work example:
Teen: Hey, I wanted to check my facebook so my girlfriend something about soccer something about my iPhone over the wifi for something facebook something. 
Jesse: Oh. the wifi?
Teen: Yeah, they said that I could use the wifi on my break at that one building but this other building has a password and I wanted to check it here.
Jesse: Oh, well, web blocker, work internet personal internet web key shared connection internet wifi.
Teen: Oh, well, I'll just check it tomorrow.

Success!

I've found that a surprisingly small number of people question nonsense. Especially monotone, long-winded nonsense that sounds like short sentences. Try it out. I am curious if it works for other people, or if my voice is prohibitively offensive so as to discount all of its content.

Speaking of my voice, I am always shocked by the number of teens who, upon meeting me, are incapable of recognizing my voice as the one that talked to them on the phone just days earlier.

Teen: Yeah, I talked to this guy on the phone who said to bring my paperwork.
Jesse: That was me! You talked to me!

I mean, I really do believe I have a distinctive voice in the sense that if Truman Capote and Fran Drescher had a voice baby, it would still be annoyed by my mine. It may just be that teens are dumb.

Teen: Yeah, I talked to this guy at my school who said to come.
Jesse: That was me! You met me!

Who knows? Did you even read this, or was it said in my voice. Because if it was, chances are, you won't remember it in a couple of hours anyway. 

Or better yet, I've already told you.

a very jesse christmas: a photo essay

A tradition that I hold very near and dear to my heart every year (and by every year, I mean twice in college and then not again until today) is wrapping doors for Christmas. How festive is that? Every time you open your door, it is like opening a present. A big, unexciting present. Oh yay, you got me the things I didn't clean up from yesterday. How did you know?

So, today, I set out to buy some wrapping paper (one of two necessary ingredients, the other being a door) and, several hours later, got to work. The endeavor was, what's the word, stressful. Let's start at the end and work our way backwards. Here is the final result:

See? Blurry and far away and in a small frame, it is quite lovely. Those are Christmas lights, by the way, not a [insert funny thing]. I couldn't actually come up with something funny. I had: black chocolate cake with sprinkles; Jackson Pollock painting; 99 multicolored luftballoons; clown panties; that gum wall from that one picture on the internet. Also, if I were a better blogger, I would have linked that last word to the actual picture. Let's see if I can find it. Oh, here it is. Yeah, that's gross.

Also, on that post-it is a frog I drew. For work. No lie.

There were four issues with this project.

Issue #1: the tape dispenser.

Long gone was that little plastic thingy that separates "tape dispenser" from "plastic bowl with a roll of tape in it." Improvised solution proved to be a failure:

 
So, the plan of standing on a chair, holding the entire roll of paper which I have begun to wrap around the top third of the door, trying to rip off a piece of tape from the tape dispenser plastic bowl with a roll of tape in it turned out to be a poor one. In cahoots with Issue #1 was Issue #1.2: the phone interviewee, with whom I had earlier left a message, calling back...

...which led to Issue #1.3: trying to remove the stray piece of tape that flopped onto the already set paper while the phone was ringing.

Issue #1.3 remains unresolved, largely due to Issue #2.

Issue #2: general incompetence.

Photo Unavailable. 

Issue #3: doorknobs of irregular shape (i.e., not round). 

Doorknobs are part of the door-wrapping process that give it that extra bit of fun. Smarter folk than I could probably mathematically figure out where on the paper to cut a correctly shaped hole in which to insert the doorknob. I went with the "wrap over it and deal with it later" philosophy. Much like the "I'll go to sleep now and finish studying in the morning" philosophy and the "I'm going to the gym later so I am going to eat a bunch of pizza now" philosophy, it ended with both disappointment and the need to cut an amorphous hole in a large piece of paper. It also ultimately ended with some patchwork. 

...and...

The major effect of Issue #3 will probably be seen in the near future, as the little patches flake off when the door is opened and closed. Issues 1 through 3 had all been dealt with when we arrived at Issue #4. 

Issue #4: not enough paper. 

The final wrapping layer resulted in this: 

So, I came up with this solution:

Done! Good thing I bought two rolls of paper!


So, God bless us, every one.




















Bonus content! The descending quality of hinge lineup:

Top!

Middle!

Bottom piece I cut while sitting in my office chair rather than get up!

Merry Christmas!
PS - I tweet now! Tweet me! @tweetjessehall

two disc special!

So summer happened and fall happened, and I finally made the two playlists that go along with them. I know, I know, you were all waiting for them. Well, wait no longer! Here we have my two disc Extended Summer Mix 2010 (because the fall was really like extended summer). They are a bit of a cheat in that the second one doesn't actually fit on a CD. But, I like to think of it as two discs, and the first one is a little short timewise and the second one only goes over by 11 seconds. Together, they add up to the right amount. I know that isn't how discs work, but whatever. My lists, my rules.

Extended Summer Mix 2010 Disc 1:
1. Lady GaGa - Bad Romance
2. Michael Franti & Spearhead - The Sound of Sunshine
3. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home
4. Usher feat. Pitbull - DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love
5. Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA
6. Taio Cruz - Dynamite
7. Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight
8. The Script - Breakeven
9. The Rakes - Open Book
10. Daughtry - September
11. Drake - Find Your Love
12. The Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize
13. Shakira feat. Freshlyground - Waka Waka (Time for Africa)
14. David Guetta feat. Kid Cudi - Memories
15. B.o.B feat. Eminem & Hayley Williams - Airplanes, Part II
16. Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
17. Michael Buble - Haven't Met You Yet
18. T.I. - Whatever You Like
19. Owl City - Fireflies
20. Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
21. Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg - California Gurls

Disc 2
1. Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel
2. John Legend & The Roots feat. Common & Melanie Fiona - Wake Up Everybody
3. Jimmy Eat World - Invented
4. Ne-Yo - One in a Million
5. Mumford & Sons - The Cave
6. Florence + The Machine - Dog Days are Over
7. Chris Brown - Yeah 3X
8. Sugarland - Stuck Like Glue
9. Cee Lo Green - Fuck You
10. Joshua Radin - Streetlight
11. Adam Lambert - If I Had You
12. Daughtry - Life After You
13. Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River
14. Usher - More
15. Thousands of One - SoulForce
16. Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)
17. Sara Bareilles - King of Anything
18. Original Cast Recording of In the Heights - Breathe
19. Bruno Mars - Grenade

A few notes:
- Lady GaGa (Gaga?) is in honor of my favorite morning tradition on trips: LG MORNINGS! I also almost put a song in honor of the worst "you're so old!" conversation--"Will Smith is NOT a rapper! He's an actor!" sigh.
- Lots of time in a bus with kids = lots of pop music. However, as much as I like to think I'm better than it, I'm not. I sincerely enjoyed a lot of this music. Even "California Gurls." Even with gurls spelled with a u.
- I made my kids listen to "Hypnotize" many many times. Appropriate? I think so.
- I saw Thousands of One live! And they were so good! And it was just a great man-night out.
- I heard some of these songs over and over on satellite radio and just learned to love them (like, say, Sugarland). Songs that never had that effect: "Like a G6" and "Only Girl (In the World)." Awful. Just awful.
- Party in the USA is for Emily and Cry Me A River is for Zoe, even though I don't think either of them even know about this blog. I love you both!

home again home again

and now it's time for our final game--lightning fill in the blank. each of our players will have sixty seconds to answer as many of the questions as possible. alright, our theme is "jesse's road trip." paula poundstone, you're up first.

peter: to the shock of no one, jesse broke his blank during the road trip.
paula: cell phone *ding*
peter: at the trail-head in boulder, jesse found a blank sitting on the sink in the bathroom.
paula: uhhh a squirrel?
peter: no, an unopened condom. jesse also found a blank in bed with him in the morning.
paula: a dead bed bug. *ding*
peter: jesse's plan to see the great salt lake in utah on his way out was thwarted because he forgot blank.
paula: that the sun would not yet be up. *ding*
peter: jesse ran into a girl in Wal-Mart who was wearing a blank.
paula: uhhh a cape. *ding*
peter: yes! a red hooded cape. now jesse had *gong sound* taken a picture of each state sign as he drove by. only nebraska was different because he blank.
paula: uhhhhhhh took it from outside of the car.
peter: no, sorry. the correct answer is "he took it going the other direction." having missed the sign from the iowa side, jesse turned around after entering colorado to make sure he got the nebraska sign.

peter: next up, mo rocca. here we go. on his last day of driving, jesse had a lunch consisting of a clif bar and a blank.
mo: hamburger.
peter: no, a five-hour energy shot. jesse drove through twelve states in six days between upstate new york and san jose, california. according to him, the worst drivers, by far, were found in blank.
mo: san jose, california. *ding*
peter: yes. jesse rushed through the lake tahoe area because of signs warning him to carry blank, which he did not have.
mo: tire chains. *ding*
peter: jesse also passed by two men on the side of the road cleaning a blank.
mo: baby.
peter: no, a deer that had been hit by a car. jesse stopped at a rest stop that had a sign warning him about blank.
mo: bears.
peter: no, prisoners. google maps told jesse it would take 14 hours to drive from salt lake city to san jose without stops. with stops, jesse drove it in blank.
mo: uhhhhhhh 10 hours. *ding*
peter: yes! when stopped at the agricultural checkpoint in california, jesse *gong sound* was asked if he had any produce or plants in the car. he responded that he had a blank.
mo: uhhhhhhh five-hour energy shot.
peter: no, the correct answer is "a loaf of bread in case his car got caught in the snow." he did not have to give that up.

peter: last up, roxanne roberts. jesse bought two cds on his trip. one was mumford and sons. the other one was blank.
roxanne: bruno mars. *ding*
peter: jesse ventured into a wal-mart searching for a blank, but was not successful.
roxanne: phone card. *ding*
peter: jesse could find a lottery scratcher to buy in wyoming, utah and, surprisingly, blank.
roxanne: nevada. *ding*
peter: yes! at the rest stop warning him about prisoners, he walked in to find blank.
roxanne: uhhhhh a prisoner.
peter: no, a sleeping attendant. jesse's only stop in between entering california and arriving home was blank.
roxanne: a gas station.
peter: no, in-n-out burger. after his cell phone broke on his trip *gong sound*, jesse called his insurance company to get a new one. upon his arrival back home, he found out they had blank.
roxanne: uhhhhhh sent him the wrong one.
peter: no, sent him two new phones.

Meh, that wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. Anyway, here are some final counts on things:

Lottery scratchers purchased: 8 (I bought two in California)
Number of winning scratchers: 1 (curse broken!)
Net gain/loss: -$4
Location signs that made me laugh out loud: 9 (Deeth Starr Valley--you know, like Star Wars! HA HA!)
Tanks of gas: 14
Miles driven: ~3172
Fast food restaurants visited: 7
State count: 12 (New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, California)

What a trip!

Today was a short day...

Least convincing ad printed on a truck: "Want to live in Idaho? We have a job for you!"
Number of wrong turns that turned out to be the right turn: 2
Total number of one-way streets I have driven the wrong way on toward another car: now 2
Number of times I tried to check into the wrong hotel: ...1
Number of books on CD for sale at the nearest Wal-Mart in Salt Lake City: 1 (The Book of Mormon...)
Newest scary sign: "11 people have died on 1-80 in 2010."
Number of signs with the exact words "Jesus... the only way to God": 3
Number of tolls I am 99% sure I didn't pay: 1
Number of episodes of "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" listened to: 9
Miles to go: ~762

Some things I've been thinking about:
"Who invented the phrase 'Need a penny, take a penny; have a penny, leave a penny?'"
"Which definition came first--petrified as in petrified wood or petrified as in scared?"
"Why do so many songs rhyme kiss with miss (I'm looking at you Blink-182, Nickelback, Lady Gaga, to name a few)? Kiss rhymes with so many different words."
"Why didn't anyone tell me that Wyoming is so beautiful?"
"Why hasn't anyone invented a portable coffee mug lid with a filter in the spout to keep the mud from getting through?"
"Was 'Supermodel' by RuPaul really a big enough song to play more than once a day on the 90s XM Radio station?"


and for those of you keeping count...
Lottery scratchers purchased: still 6 (Wyoming didn't have any, and I haven't stopped in Utah yet)
Number of winning scratchers: still 0
Net gain/loss: -$6
Location signs that made me laugh out loud: cumulatively 8 (Black Butte Road, which is by far the funniest thing I've ever seen, and then Pilot Butte, Cloud Butte National Monument and Church Butte--but mostly they just reminded me of Black Butte Road. Except Church Butte is pretty funny).
*for the record: I do know what a butte is and how to pronounce the word correctly. doesn't make it not funny.
Tanks of gas: 10.5
Miles driven so far: ~2409
Fast food restaurants visited: 6
State count: 10 (New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah)