and for the record, if you spend more than half a decade under the age of 5, you don't remember it

There are people who create things or do things that later allow evil to happen. I’m not trying to plumb the philosophical depths of causality. Really, I am trying to strong-arm an historical reference like the Einstein-Szilárd Letter into being a hook to talk about Facebook. Let’s not try too hard with that. I just figure my 4 on the AP US History test has to be put to use every once in a while. (“In Eighteen-Hundred-and-Fifty-Eight / Boss Tweed came into New York State…”).

But really, I wonder if the person(s) who thought up of “Fan” pages realized the evil they were bringing to the world. It makes sense! I can be a “Fan” of my favorite band or product. That way, instead of creating a fake person page, things that are more abstract can be on Facebook. It started out with things like Starbucks and Ashton Kutcher but slowly things got more abstract. Sure, you can be a fan of pages made not by the actual companies or people, but pages made by fans of those things. Bill Watterson would never create a “Calvin and Hobbes” page, but someone else did. Sure. I guess that’s okay. Shakespeare is dead, so he can’t create his own fan page. Fair enough.

Then it got weird. “Laughing.” Sure, yeah, one could be a fan of laughing. I suppose it begs the question of who does not like laughing, who out there is saying to himself, nope, laughing—of that, I am not a fan. But sure. I suppose that is possible. Inanity (a word!) ruled the day. “Music.” “Sushi.” “New York City.”

Things then started getting weird, grammatically. “I Hate Mosquitoes!” You are a fan of “I Hate Mosquitoes.” Wait. What? You are a fan of that? Isn’t that just something everyone generally agrees with (fish not included)? “I Have The Deepest Thoughts in the Shower!!!” I don’t know how that works, as far as fandom. That isn’t even like a thing! At least mosquitoes are something you can generally enjoy or not enjoy (but again, who enjoys them?!). I think what they mean is, “having deep thoughts in the shower,” using a gerund. You can be a fan of that, I guess (really?). But something happened in the shift from nouns to complete sentences. Something evil. Something that threatens our very way of life. Suddenly, you could become a fan of any general statement. “People who eat with their mouths open are gross!” “I have hair!” “I use a doorknob to open doors!”

Chaos.

There is the supposedly observant humor: “Why is my bed suddenly so comfortable when the alarm goes off???”

There is the cloying nostalgia: “When I was your age, Pluto was a planet!!!!!!!!”

The things that teenagers say to get attention from their parents: “When I die, I give my friends permission to change my status to ‘is dead’!!!!!!”

The communal irony: “The Sham-wow guy!”

Things just quickly spiraled out of control. “Hot showers.” “Going the wrong way on an escalator.” “Saying ‘or not’ when people do the complete opposite of what you just said.” “My mind was blown when I realized that that was a D in the Walt Disney logo.” I read somewhere, you know, generally on the internet, that said that the number one adjective that people use to describe themselves is “funny.” Which I totally buy. And which is totally ridiculous. I mean, I guess it is true. Most people are not funny, and they make their other not funny friends laugh at the not funny things that they say.

I mean, I am generally cruel to myself. But the one thing I do think I am (perhaps to a snobbish fault) is funny (and of course, look down on people who disagree). So when other people claim to be and are not, it is somehow insulting to me. I think the problem is most people are just completely not self-aware (un-self-aware?). Sorry, girls everywhere. You are not Hermione. And sorry, most people. You are not funny.

But what is a worse phenomenon to me is that people are creating fan pages slash becoming fans of things that are just pathetic. “I say I’m okay but I’m really not.” “Waiting for the person you like to come online.” “I love you but I can never tell you.” “You: Who do you like? Me: No one. (YOU!!!!).”

What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? (Because I don’t.)

Despite the fact that I am constantly confused for a high schooler (which some people tell me is a compliment, but clearly they did not know what I looked like when I was 16), I have trouble wrapping my head around the current high school experience. Between texting all day long and this whole Facebook fanpage business, I just don’t get when they have time to play football or hang out with friends or learn to drive or any of the things I thought that people did in high school. But really, what do I know? I was busy studying AP US History (apparently, for my future as an occasional blogger).