Today I had my follow-up appointment with the allergist. Getting up before noon has already become a struggle, so I arrived out breath and very oddly dressed at 10:30 AM on the nose (miraculously, as I had left the apartment at 9:57 AM). The office was quite full today. I got to read several fine articles in Us Weekly and checked out who wore it best (which is really “who I like better” or often “who I even recognize.” Who the hell is Alexandra Burke? Whoever she is, she did not wear it best.).
From the waiting room, I could overhear another poor sap failing the breathing test. First, there was the exchange of vague instructions: “So what you are going to do is…” “Wait do you want me to do this or this?” “No no no, you are going to [deep inhale] and then blow blow blow blow blow!” “Wait, so…” and then the inevitable doing it wrong. “Blow blow blow blow blow blow blow…no. Try it again.” I think this guy was a smoker. Even worse. I ended each failed test with a giggle or two. He ended his failures with a wet coughing fit. Ew.
For me, today was the “stick you higher up on your arm with bigger needles going deeper into your skin” day. Awesome! Just what I wanted! A needle stuck into a weird corner of my arm near my elbow. Oh! Bonus! Little drops of blood everywhere! Back to the waiting room. Who wore it best? Some chick from Gossip Girl or Academy Award winning actress slash L’Oreal model Penelope Cruz? That’s tough.
Back to the doctor. Apparently, I am allergic to everything in the world except shrimp. It is like my body went out of its way to be allergic to everything but the thing I went in for. Bermuda Grass is on the list now. A couple of other things I didn’t recognize. Dogs. Whatever. But the big prize was dust mites, which apparently mean I have to buy really expensive bedding and never own an upholstered couch again. Hooray!
Oh, and the most disgusting part? Well, there are two. One, the minefield of scabs that now cover my right arm. And two, apparently people with dust mite allergies can also have shellfish reactions—given similar physiology between the two species. Um. Ew. I have always been uncomfortable with the idea of shellfish, as they looked like massive bugs—and apparently, they are. Disgusting.
So, what now? Other than being allergic to everything that ever existed, I will soon enough be the owner of $300 sheets and $150 pillows. I imagine that for unemployed people, really expensive sheets are a sound investment. And I have a couple of nice little scars left over from the last test. I swear I look like a heroin addict with Parkinson’s disease.
In other news, I have an ingrown hair in my armpit, which is not disgusting, uncomfortable or awkward at all. My body is ridiculous.
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