yeah, i'm about 8% sure i have a bed sore

Somehow, many days have gone by and little can be said about them. I’ve had an interview here and there. I headed out to Flushing to hang out with my best friend Corinda, my unemployment office representative. At some point I made a pie. Mostly, I’ve sat around looking at the job listings I’m not qualified for and eating food at my desk (and by desk, I mean bed). It has become hideously obvious how much of my life was defined by my job now that I don’t have one. This whole weekend went by without leaving the apartment (and by apartment, I mean bed.) (Just kidding. I had to use the bathroom sometimes, and once, I answered the door to get my Chinese food.)

I did go to my first pub quiz, which was a fine event. It was mostly just drinking some beer and surprising myself with my knowledge of the inane (What Olympic ring color represents Europe?) and of the things that no one should know because they shouldn’t exist (What is the full name of this season of The Bachelor?). I also knew how old J.D. Salinger was when he died, the number of boys in The Pet Shop Boys, and who sang “I Wanna Know What Love Is.” But I did not know any of the sports questions, did not recognize a single celebrity on a page of pictures, and did not remember the 2007 Oscar Winner for Best Picture. Well, I did know that the bantam in bantamweight was for a chicken but had no idea about fly or feathers. Chickens have feathers but can fly. Well they can sort of fly. Better than, say, I can fly. But really, how would I know about those weight classes? Clearly I was always a heavyweight. What did I need to know about the other ones?

So, overall, I would classify myself as a great third member of a trivia team. Someone needs to know sports. Someone needs to know pop culture. Those are two big pillars of trivia. But then you need a Jesse, who doesn’t recognize Sienna Miller or know anything about the Pittsburgh Steelers, but has a loose grasp on literature, Bible characters, state capitals and Jenny’s phone number (you know, 867-5309).

Sidebar: Just as I think I’m a good third team member on a trivia team, I think I’d be a great third commentator for a sports broadcast. There is the main guy, who is probably a venerable newscaster of some kind. Been around forever. Bob Costas or Greg Gumbel. Then you have someone who has played or coached the sport. Jerry Rice stopping by. Brian Boitano saying things like “Triple Salchow, Triple Toe Loop!” You know, an expert with anecdotes a-plenty. And then you have just some third person who just fills in the gaps. It goes like this:

Guy #1: So, here you have it, 3^rd and 3. This has been tough for the team all season, these third downs blah blah blah

Guy #2: You said it, Guy #1. In cases like this, you want to stay focused, work on getting the ball down the field. Back in ’89 when I was blah blah blah

Guy #1: And here’s the snap. He’s looking, looking, throws it. Incomplete!

Jesse: Oh, they really wanted to catch that pass.

They help you know what’s going on. “Well, Smith finished the course in 3:45, so he’s going to want to get at least a 3:44 to qualify.” They help you empathize. “Oh, I bet she’s disappointed she missed that shot.” They even help in those tough spots when you can’t figure out the math. “Well they’re down by 2, so they’ll need at least 3 runs to win.” I feel like if anyone can get paid to do that, I’m just as deserving. How hard can it be? Anyway. Sidebar out.

So, pub quiz was all in all jovial affair. But it could have gone another direction. See, there is competitive Jesse and there is everything’s cool Jesse. Thankfully, throw a few beers in regular Jesse and he turns into everything’s cool Jesse, not competitive Jesse. Competitive Jesse might have vehemently complained about the question “What is the only sequel to win an Oscar?” Competitive Jesse would have said, “I think you meant ‘what is the only sequel to win a BEST PICTURE Oscar’ which is a flawed question and even still, my answer of Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is correct (and you can clearly see I wrote The Godfather Part II first before doubting myself). So I think what you REALLY meant was ‘what is the FIRST sequel to win a Best Picture Oscar.’ Right? That is what you meant. Right? Because I think you should be a little more careful with your words, mister.” But everything’s cool Jesse let it slide. Why? Because everything’s cool! I got my Brooklyn Lager, had a couple of hot wings, and am feeling good.

Competitive Jesse would have also gone apeshit on the drunk Irish lady (yes, it is important to the story that she is Irish) who accused us of cheating. (Do you want to see all the texts I’ve sent?! Do you want to look at my internet history on my phone?! You best back down because you do not go around accusing people of shit without backing it up, bitch.). Competitive Jesse would also have been more upset that we lost (by ONE point. Well technically two to win. But by one question, for sure. A single question like, what was the FIRST sequel to win the BEST PICTURE Oscar.). But competitive Jesse is nowhere to be found. Happy to be out of the house Jesse was, well, in the house.

So, I don’t know how much I would make pub quiz a regular thing. Competitive Jesse has not seen the light of day lately, but he is always lurking underneath. That is a beast best kept deep down. Oh! Speaking of, for those of you keeping count at home, my winning streak of FreeCell came to an end. 676. (I believe I literally screamed “No!” out loud). The new current one is 16. But it just doesn’t feel worth it any more. Yeah, I need a job.

in related news, the number in the FreeCell sentence was updated twice while writing

Anyone who has been unemployed for a while knows that your days just begin to meld together. Weekend. Weekday. It’s all about the same, especially when you are still awake at 4 AM and still asleep at 12 PM. So, day in and day out, there isn’t much to report. Today, I ate some food! Although, my winning streak on FreeCell has now passed 450. Excitement abound.

But, with all this free time, I have taken up to reading only the finest writing available on the internet—Facebook fan pages, comments on Youtube videos, ew.com articles, you know, generally high brow material. And can I just ask, what is with people and spoilers? Like, HA HA HA I know something about this show that you don’t (but will become public knowledge in like two weeks anyway). Wow. That is so impressive. I cannot even believe how cool that is. You really must be a better person than I am to have that soon-to-be-moot and ultimately inconsequential information.

There is this whole culture out there of “I know something you don’t know” or, worse, “I knew something that you now know before you knew it, which still makes me a better person.” There is a whole Facebook page devoted to something like “I knew that band before it was big!” Like, the number of people who openly brag about knowing about Owl City before he became mainstream is pretty astounding. How is that impressive? How is that something that you would say out loud (or, you know, to the internet). It’s not like you have exclusive Stones demo tapes or something. It is a dude with one album and a runaway hit. Yeah, I heard Owl City before he made it big, too. It was called Death Cab for Cutie. (Har har har).

Spoilers are worse though. The whole name-dropping game of hey I knew about this person before you did is just being ass for being an ass’s sake. Which is annoying enough. But, people who insist on posting spoilers on comment pages or Facebook news feeds are showing off to the detriment of others.

Person A: Oh wow I’m so excited to read this book! I can’t wait.

Stranger: I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THIS HAPPENS AND THEN THIS HAPPENS I’M SO MUCH COOLER BECAUSE I ALREADY KNEW SEE I KNEW I KNEW IT I KNEW IT FIRST.

Person A: … page one …

Whatever happened to just watching or reading or seeing something and enjoying it? Is that not okay any more? I don’t think it is a ridiculous thing to ask. I mean, isn’t that the whole point? Do people now go into movies thinking, wow I can’t wait to see this but good thing I already know everything that happens? And whom are you trying to impress, internet? I mean, who is like, oh wow that DID happen! Thanks, superguy2125 (worst fake internet alias ever)! You ARE smarter than I am!

I do remember once as a kid spoiling the end of the movie Phenomenon to a friend. With fury in his eyes, he tried to ruin the ending of something I was excited about and had not yet seen: Independence Day. Sad for him, he had not yet seen it either. EARTH WINS, he shouted. Turns out, he was right. Sorry if that was a spoiler, but if you haven’t seen Independence Day yet, what the hell is wrong with you?! (But you totally should).

My brother, on the other hand, took a different route. Every birthday party or Christmas morning or any other present opening time (what other present opening times are there? Damn you, rule of threes), he would state, as a person began to open a present, “I know what it is!” And after the present was opened, he would announce, “I knew it!” Now, if you want to drive an eight-year-old Jesse absolutely nuts, do that. NO YOU DIDN’T! YOU DID NOT KNOW! TELL ME NOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? WHAT! JUST SAY IT FIRST! SAY IT FIRST! (Eight-year-old Jesse was pretty high strung). His game was simply to say he knew more than the room, despite any evidence either way. Part of his game was also probably to drive me nuts.

Now, maybe these people actually do know more than I do. Maybe they have some insight into why they are not the worst people ever. Maybe the great spoiler in life is that blessed are those who ruin the endings of movies, for theirs is the kingdom of God. But if it is, just don’t tell me.