dvr is the name of summer home in grumpy old man land

I don’t understand people who don’t love the Olympics. I mean, what’s not to like? Who watching TV is like, no no I would prefer to watch something without real drama or meaningful suspense or a touching back story. I prefer not to root for underdogs or celebrate greatness or swell with pride for the accomplishments of my fellow man. I would rather watch something like The Bachelor. I mean, come on! The ads ABOUT the Olympics are better TV than that crap. What is wrong with you? (Seriously. Have you seen that Dan Jansen ad?)

I know that the Olympics is #1 in the ratings, but I can’t believe that something like 12 million people opted for, well, The Bachelor. I am even mad at my Idol fans. As you well know, I love Idol. I do, I really do. I have, in the past, chosen Idol over social occasions or, you know, interacting with humans. But the Olympics top Idol. No contest, no question. (Those of you familiar with the transitive property might then conclude that the Olympics also top interactions with real people, but I would remind you that doing so is a logical fallacy.) (And totally true.) The whole point of the Olympics is about the whole world watching, the whole world coming together. Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of that? Yeah, I think there is a repeat of House on tonight. Maybe we should just watch that.

Now, it is the Winter Olympics, which some people consider to be the inferior one. First of all, I don’t really think there is an inferior one. They are both awesome. But I think that people prefer the Summer Olympics because of gymnastics. The Summer Olympics is full of sports that people don’t care about—anything on a horse or a boat or some of those obscure sports you didn’t even know were Olympic sports (Badminton? Judo? Trampoline gymnastics?!). The Winter Olympic sports, however, all fall under a similar category of moving quickly on frozen water—and typically, whoever does so the fastest wins. So if you like one, you really should just like them all. (And you should like them all).

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ll watch any Olympic event. I’ll watch badminton and judo and trampoline gymnastics. Hell, I’ve been starting each day this week by watching curling (yes, that does mean I’ve been getting up around 1 PM). I still don’t have a firm grasp of how it is played, and the only real conclusion I can make is that the Americans suck at it. But it is still better than anything else on TV. Also, the commentators are Canadian, so I get the enjoyment of hearing about trying to push the stoone oot of the hoose. (Also, if you are like me, you are wondering where the “second of all” went. Well, full disclosure, I’ve had some beer while writing this. So, somewhere in there.)

So, who are these people who don’t watch the Olympics? There are people who don’t like sports and people who don’t like America, and people who don’t like either. But really, what DO those people like? I assume Gossip Girl.

Still, there are exceptions to my love. Most times, when I watch TV, I think to myself “I could do that!” Sure, The Practice, I could be a lawyer. Yeah, Scrubs, I could be a doctor. Absolutely, The West Wing, I could work for the President of the United States. No problem. So, when I watch the Olympics, I think, wow I wish I were skiing or short track speed skating or playing hockey or riding down in some kind of sled! That looks so fun! But when I watch cross country skiing, I just get tired. They are just doing so much work. Like, so much work! And I am sitting around, eating Oreos, drinking beer, watching my ass make an indent into the chair I am in.

It is similar to my dislike of people younger than me who are more successful than me. Like, why are you trying so hard? Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? It is just a reminder of how entirely average I am. Oh, you at 19 are winning Olympic medals? Well, I at age 19 was being a completely average student in college. I also had gained a considerable amount of weight since high school. Oh, yeah, I was also a part-time tutor at TWO DIFFERENT Score! Education Centers AT THE SAME TIME. 25 cents an hour more than minimum wage, baby! That’s seven whole dollars!

But I think as I get older, I just have to get over it. Like, okay, am I going to do that at age 30? Hate all successful twenty-somethings? At some point I crossover from disliking successful people who are younger than I am to just disliking successful people. I feel like I’m sitting right at the horn, age-wise, when most people who will be successful are becoming successful. Next Olympics, things will have tipped. So as I desperately prevent taking up permanent residency in Grumpy Old Man Land, I will celebrate the success of these young whippersnappers winning their gold medals and basking in international acclaim. Way to go, guys! I’ll be watching, no matter what (with American Idol on the DVR, assuming I ever learn how to use a DVR) (Seriously, it asks me so many questions that I don’t know the answer to! Maybe I’ll just try to record it using a videotape).

the third tier is still high enough that you'd die if you fell from it...

I don’t front. I am a huge American Idol fan. Intellectuals and snobs may turn up their noses, but I just don’t care. I love it. Well, I loved it. In the past few seasons, it has been quite abusive to me (when I have showed it nothing but love), but that’s not the point. The point is that I am a huge fan. Perhaps bigger than you’ve ever met. I don’t just watch the show and enjoy it. A good portion of my brain space is irreversibly committed to who sang what knowledge. Or to contestants you probably don’t even remember (I love you, Nikko Smith). And sometimes it pops out in what could be embarrassing conversations. Embarrassing if you front, which if you read my first line, I do not. Conversations like:

Person: Wow, I can’t believe Adam Lambert sang “Satisfaction” [on season 8 of Idol]. I wonder what it took to get the Stones to release that song to be covered.

Jesse: Well, Bo Bice sang it in season 4.

Person: Really?

Jesse: Oh, and Gina Glocksen sang “Paint It, Black” in season 6.

Person: …

Jesse: Yeah, you just got schooled.

Perhaps you are wondering to yourself, who was the 11^th contestant voted off in season 3? Why that would be Matthew Rogers. What song did he sing? That would be “Amazed” by Lonestar. You know who else sang a Lonestar song? Well, Anthony Federov sang one in season 4 (“I’m Already There”). Perhaps you are wondering what song Katharine McPhee auditioned with. Well that would be “God Bless the Child.” Mikalah Gordon also sang that song on the show (2^nd week of the semifinals) and for the season 4 CD.

I have had a two-digit number’s worth of dreams in which I am a contestant (and one in which I was a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. I had told everyone I know to watch me on the show and then it dawned on me that I can’t dance. Panic.). I have without irony used the sentence, “I worry what I would pick for ‘Country Week.’” I have correctly predicted, based on the theme, what a contestant will sing multiple times (two weeks in a row I said, “ugh I bet he’s going to sing/ruin X” right before David Cook came out and was right [“Always Be My Baby’ and “Music of the Night”]). And boom goes the dynamite.

But, despite all of this, I would not classify myself beyond the 3^rd tier of fandom. I truly believe there exists at least two higher echelons of fans. I have never spent money on any Idol merch other than music (which I argue is the one piece of merchandise you are supposed to buy. Right? It is a music show. Shouldn’t you buy the music?). That is, I have never seen the show in person or attended any of the tours. I have never bought a t-shirt or poster or anything like that. So, there is a level of fan that does that, which has to be higher than me. If you are walking around sporting a t-shirt with David Archuleta’s smiling face on it, you automatically outdo my knowledge that Diana DeGarmo came out first in the semifinal rounds of season 3 and sang “I Got the Music in Me.” (Seriously, I got like a B- on my British Literature quote identification midterm. This ability cannot be used for good, only evil.)

But then there is that top tier: actually crazy people. I make no claims of sanity, and those Jordin Sparks-clad fans are certainly not excluded from the tea party, but there is a level of crazy that runs just inexplicably deep. For example, nothing having to do with American Idol has come remotely close to making me cry (nor should it). I would never, ever, ever enter the world of online message boards about the show. Ever ever ever. Ever. The extreme emotional connection people feel and, for some reason, have to share with this online community of fellow crazies is stupefying. Something about the level of anonymity combined with the actual disconnect from the show (were you on it?) and the reality that it is just a TV show (yes, just) creates this perfect storm of overreaction and misplaced passion that could knock a moving freight train out of its tracks. There exists this legion of superfans that send hate mail to votefortheworst.com and make signs to hold up at their televisions for, presumably, contestants who cannot possibly see them and organize petitions to get their “unfairly” ousted favorite contestant back on the show.

But this isn’t Idol’s fault. I actually believe it is the other way around. American Idol didn’t make crazy fans out of these people; these people were always crazy. Like really, actually, I don’t know if they should be allowed to drive, please tell me these people are not responsible for children crazy. The kind of people that, after revealing their obsession, you discreetly feel for your keys should the need for a weapon arise. The kind of people that don’t seem to notice that your eyebrows had permanently risen since they started talking to you. The kind of people that you don’t make sudden movements around. These people, they just happen to direct all that crazy toward American Idol. Anything that has regular fans has crazy fans. TV shows, celebrities, comic books, Barack Obama. In fact, I bet things you didn’t think could have regular fans have crazy fans. I’m sure there are people out there with deep emotional attachments to the varieties of pudding or the styles of nail clippers or the brands of decks of playing cards.

Also, just to go back a tic, I hope that the inventor of the caps lock key, the inventor of the YouTube comment, and the inventor of “reply all” are sharing a table in Hell for crimes against humanity. Just saying.