dvr is the name of summer home in grumpy old man land

I don’t understand people who don’t love the Olympics. I mean, what’s not to like? Who watching TV is like, no no I would prefer to watch something without real drama or meaningful suspense or a touching back story. I prefer not to root for underdogs or celebrate greatness or swell with pride for the accomplishments of my fellow man. I would rather watch something like The Bachelor. I mean, come on! The ads ABOUT the Olympics are better TV than that crap. What is wrong with you? (Seriously. Have you seen that Dan Jansen ad?)

I know that the Olympics is #1 in the ratings, but I can’t believe that something like 12 million people opted for, well, The Bachelor. I am even mad at my Idol fans. As you well know, I love Idol. I do, I really do. I have, in the past, chosen Idol over social occasions or, you know, interacting with humans. But the Olympics top Idol. No contest, no question. (Those of you familiar with the transitive property might then conclude that the Olympics also top interactions with real people, but I would remind you that doing so is a logical fallacy.) (And totally true.) The whole point of the Olympics is about the whole world watching, the whole world coming together. Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of that? Yeah, I think there is a repeat of House on tonight. Maybe we should just watch that.

Now, it is the Winter Olympics, which some people consider to be the inferior one. First of all, I don’t really think there is an inferior one. They are both awesome. But I think that people prefer the Summer Olympics because of gymnastics. The Summer Olympics is full of sports that people don’t care about—anything on a horse or a boat or some of those obscure sports you didn’t even know were Olympic sports (Badminton? Judo? Trampoline gymnastics?!). The Winter Olympic sports, however, all fall under a similar category of moving quickly on frozen water—and typically, whoever does so the fastest wins. So if you like one, you really should just like them all. (And you should like them all).

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ll watch any Olympic event. I’ll watch badminton and judo and trampoline gymnastics. Hell, I’ve been starting each day this week by watching curling (yes, that does mean I’ve been getting up around 1 PM). I still don’t have a firm grasp of how it is played, and the only real conclusion I can make is that the Americans suck at it. But it is still better than anything else on TV. Also, the commentators are Canadian, so I get the enjoyment of hearing about trying to push the stoone oot of the hoose. (Also, if you are like me, you are wondering where the “second of all” went. Well, full disclosure, I’ve had some beer while writing this. So, somewhere in there.)

So, who are these people who don’t watch the Olympics? There are people who don’t like sports and people who don’t like America, and people who don’t like either. But really, what DO those people like? I assume Gossip Girl.

Still, there are exceptions to my love. Most times, when I watch TV, I think to myself “I could do that!” Sure, The Practice, I could be a lawyer. Yeah, Scrubs, I could be a doctor. Absolutely, The West Wing, I could work for the President of the United States. No problem. So, when I watch the Olympics, I think, wow I wish I were skiing or short track speed skating or playing hockey or riding down in some kind of sled! That looks so fun! But when I watch cross country skiing, I just get tired. They are just doing so much work. Like, so much work! And I am sitting around, eating Oreos, drinking beer, watching my ass make an indent into the chair I am in.

It is similar to my dislike of people younger than me who are more successful than me. Like, why are you trying so hard? Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? It is just a reminder of how entirely average I am. Oh, you at 19 are winning Olympic medals? Well, I at age 19 was being a completely average student in college. I also had gained a considerable amount of weight since high school. Oh, yeah, I was also a part-time tutor at TWO DIFFERENT Score! Education Centers AT THE SAME TIME. 25 cents an hour more than minimum wage, baby! That’s seven whole dollars!

But I think as I get older, I just have to get over it. Like, okay, am I going to do that at age 30? Hate all successful twenty-somethings? At some point I crossover from disliking successful people who are younger than I am to just disliking successful people. I feel like I’m sitting right at the horn, age-wise, when most people who will be successful are becoming successful. Next Olympics, things will have tipped. So as I desperately prevent taking up permanent residency in Grumpy Old Man Land, I will celebrate the success of these young whippersnappers winning their gold medals and basking in international acclaim. Way to go, guys! I’ll be watching, no matter what (with American Idol on the DVR, assuming I ever learn how to use a DVR) (Seriously, it asks me so many questions that I don’t know the answer to! Maybe I’ll just try to record it using a videotape).

we did have a close call in the farting department...

Today, I did something for the first time. I took a yoga class. And, going in, I had thought for sure it would be classic fish out of water comedy. And, other than an awkward moment or two with the receptionist (yogi-ceptionist? I'm sure she has some other title), it really was okay. No falling down. No farting loudly in the middle of class. No strange poses my body refused to do. I did reluctantly join in the rounds of oms (ohms?) and there was a stretch or two that was slightly out of my range, but overall it felt natural, relaxing, and energizing. I even got into the breathing in the end, where we felt our breath wash our hearts to reveal our true selves (or something). I bought it. I am not about to jump into the deep end, but I can definitely see the appeal. Maybe I’ll go again this week.

Sometimes, I am surprised by how much I am able to buy into things. I don’t read Twilight or watch Lost or listen to Taylor Swift. Typically, America has one agenda and I have another. Even when we are watching the same thing, America and I must be watching different things (David Cook? Really?). But then there are times when I just jump in headfirst. For a long time I was morally against any sort of phone that didn’t come free with my plan. Then, one day, I bought myself a blackberry. Totally on a whim. Just up and bought it. And I love it. I love love love it. I can’t imagine my life without it.

The blackberry is my best example of a thing I hated that turned to thing I love. It is like a romantic comedy. It started out as that too uptight new coworker to my laidback, Oreo cookie loving self. And then, we were forced to work on some project together or were snowed in a cabin or something. And now we’re in love. Insane oddball nonsense love.

In any case, the next thing on the horizon is a pair of Uggs. Right? Right? What is it, 2004? Am I going to wear them with my pleated mini and my Juicy Couture sweatshirt? Don a trucker cap? Drink a bottle of vitamin water? Sometimes I arrive to the party late enough to try to pretend I wasn’t protesting outside earlier. What? That wasn’t me. That must have been that other guy….

So yeah, I’m slowly becoming a yoga-doing, blackberry-using, ugg-wearing … what is the noun for that? I am pretty sure it is douche bag. Oh well. At least I don’t listen to Taylor Swift.